It's time to leave behind the shitshow that was 2016. If this year were a flavor, it would taste like drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth.
Naturally, you'll want to start fresh, and you probably think a new year's resolution is the way to go. Hell, you may have already started the planning process; signing up for that gym membership you'll use twice for that treadmill in the corner, planning out trips to the local Whole Foods that will only end in indulging your overwhelming feelings at Smashburger, and attempting to get that promotion before exploding at that bitch Sandra for forgetting to follow up with your client again. I've resolved to stop writing run on sentences. I'm off to a great start!
In the interest of saving your wallet and sanity, here are five new year's resolutions you'll actually keep this year. If you need me, I'll be lost in a sentence that's six lines long and still hasn't made a point.
Do you ever find yourself wanting to comment on a viral post or event but don't want to give the douche canoe who started it any credit? I feel ya. I found myself in a similar pickle during the Wells Fargo controversy and the Mannequin Challenge.
The American Research Group just sent out a report saying Americans have upped their holiday spending to $929 per gift. If you looked at that statistic, thought, "Hey, that's how much my loan payments will be per month," then silently started crying to yourself, this post is for you.
The holidays are here, in case you hadn’t noticed your increasing feelings of dread and despair. If your extended family is anything like mine, we’re either related, or you’re about to get a barrage of personal questions you’re in no conceivable way prepared to answer. Rest assured, I’m here to help. Years of experience and an inner sense of sass have led to the following; typical questions, and a response to shut that shit down. You’re welcome.
Under the special skills list on my resume, I do my best to highlight that I’m a jack of all trades and a master of fun. I know basic programming, AP-style writing, graphic design, and mildly hilarious stand up comedy routines.
But what about those non-work related skills? The adult-y ones. The ones you call your mom up to brag about?
about the author
Great hair, average personality.