The holidays are here, in case you hadn’t noticed your increasing feelings of dread and despair. If your extended family is anything like mine, we’re either related, or you’re about to get a barrage of personal questions you’re in no conceivable way prepared to answer. Rest assured, I’m here to help. Years of experience and an inner sense of sass have led to the following; typical questions, and a response to shut that shit down. You’re welcome.
“How’s school going?”
This is arguably the worst time to ask about school. Finals are approaching and a quick glance at your grades says you’ve dropped your “straight-A semester” shtick in favor of a “C’s get degrees” approach. Much more realistic, but much more difficult to communicate to family. For relatives that don’t leave you alone after “Fine,” just take a bland and boring concept from one of your courses, name drop it, and watch them lose interest faster than Uncle Randall gets a sweet buzz going from the Irish coffee on hand. Examples include:
“What will you do when you graduate?”
God, the dreaded follow up. I don’t know Aunt Sue, what are you gonna do when you finish your fourth glass of wine before the appetizers are done? You don’t know, do you, Aunt Sue?! Well I haven’t exactly figured out how to make my sociology degree work for me, either!
Look, this one’s easy. Just tell people you’re thinking about law school. No matter what your major or background, for some godforsaken reason, law school almost guarantees no follow up questions. If there are any, say you’re looking into litigation. No one wants to talk about that. They’ll probably just switch to the weather. This means you’re safe.
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Never fear. That’s what the Internet is for, where you can find such gems as this Craigslist hero ready to save your single ass.
"This election/president-elect/major issue/ poicy is just so..."
Now’s your chance to grab a turkey leg, shove it down your throat and start choking to distract all from the potential family war that may ensue. Side note: you may want to have 911 already dialed and at the ready in case your family members are assholes who would rather heatedly debate Trump’s Secretary of State pick than save you from impending death. At least you tried.
If all else fails, grab a pair of beats headphones (so big they can’t miss it) to communicate a clear don’t talk to me while I’m trying to stuff my face with the eight kinds of pie I see before me while silently giving thanks during family prayer for the real god; Dr. Dre.
Do you have any fool-proof responses to a relative’s intrusive questions? Don’t be selfish, share with the class!
about the author
Great hair, average personality.