The American Research Group just sent out a report saying Americans have upped their holiday spending to $929 per gift. If you looked at that statistic, thought, "Hey, that's how much my loan payments will be per month," then silently started crying to yourself, this post is for you.
Behold, the ultimate holiday gift guide for your broke ass! Of course you care about your family members. You just care a little bit more about having enough cash to put gas in your car for the trip home. Totally reasonable.
For Your Father
Go all out for the man who raised you and get him a dad joke. Wrap it in a pun about a man who went to the dentist at "tooth-hurty" and tie it with the one about a dude who worked at a calendar factory who was fired for taking a couple days off. Watch your father turn to you with tears in his eyes and say, "I'm so touched."
"Hi, So Touched, I'm a gift."
For Your Mother
Nothing says you understand your mother more than a robot who will do all her grumbling for her. Imagine the time and effort she'll save when she's carrying in groceries with this robot around:
You: Hey mom, need some help?
Robot: No, sweetie, I'm good!
You: *returns to task*
Robot: No one ever helps me in this house! I do everything for your lazy asses! Y'all are gonna miss me when I'm dead!
This lovely device also comes in handy during the following scenarios; discussing what body part was ruined during labor, reminding you of the shit you put her through as a toddler, and quietly muttering about how goddam expensive it is feeding you.
For Your Younger Sister
Give your younger sister the gift of feminism, with the knowledge that her future will someday be much brighter than yours is now. Who knows?! Maybe the percentage of female CEOs of Fortune 500 companies will jump from 4.4 to a solid 5 percent! Perhaps women will receive equal pay for equal work after only a few rounds of negotiation where the term "shrill bitch" is thrown in. The glass ceiling's the limit!
For Your Younger Brother
Is that Samsung Galaxy still catching on fire? Um... ya know what? Get him a book. Kids are on their phones way too much these days anyway.
This WikiHow page on "How to Join the Circus" (with pictures!) Just in case that whole college thing doesn't work out.
Do you have any legitimate holiday gift ideas? What are they and where can I buy them? ...asking for a friend.
about the author
Great hair, average personality.