Absolutely nothing on earth could've prepared me for the onslaught of nonsense that was 2017. It was like a non-stop Far Side cartoon come to life, where Vinny from "Jersey Shore" schools us on climate change and Dennis Rodman is a harbinger of peace.
What will 2018 bring? Who can say. I'm half-convinced Grumpy Cat will be my state's senator, but time will tell.
Here, however, are 8 things I'm almost 100% sure will go down. Let the fireworks begin.
1. A song more annoying than “Gucci Gang” will rise to the top of the charts, leading many Millennials to think, “I could’ve sang that nonsense. What am I doing with my life?”
2. Millennials will also be accused of killing off another industry. This time, it’s cable. Comcast, we hardly knew you.
3. The hipster coffee shop down the street will start selling hipster milkshakes that horrify the masses, cost $12.99 and sell like wildfire.
4. Daniel Radcliffe will promote another carefully chosen, career differentiating movie, and we’ll all still see him as Harry Potter despite our best efforts.
5. There will be a new superfood. It will taste like a combination wet washcloths and desperation and cost $5/lb.
6. A previously little-known company will become Twitter famous for posting a job ad requesting an “entry-level employee with 8-10 years experience in advanced data programming to be paid in sandwiches and hugs.”
7. You’ll get several more messages from former high school acquaintances to tell you all about how great their new pyramid scheme… erm, multi-level marketing business is going and that they’d LOVE for you to join!
8. Oreos will come out with a new flavor. We’ll all be confused. And buy it anyways solely out of curiosity. (“Sangria Oreos?! …I need to know.”)
It’ll be weird as hell. But like every year, there’s a good chance we’ll make it.
Happy New Year, everybody!
Do you have any predictions for what'll go down in 2018? Tell me in the comments after I've finished my Oreo-stuffed milkshake!
about the author
Great hair, average personality.